Sardines

Marcy and I are packed on yet another “12" passenger but now 20 passenger bus. We are packed in like sardines.

I fall asleep and wake up to my back totally soaked in sweat. The AC has been turned off and everyone is hot and grumpy. We ask a woman in front of us to open the window and she says she doesn’t like the wind. The guy next to me reams her out saying she’s going to kill us with the heat. I ream her out too telling her she’s selfish and she opens her window. There's nothing like peer pressure. Marcy and I are in the very back of the bus where it's the hottest. I choose to ignore it by falling asleep again. 

When I was little, my older brother Trav carved a hedgehog for me out of a huge heavy piece of wood and I carried it around wrapped in a dishtowel like a doll. It meant the world to me when he carved it for me, and was one of most favorite things as a kid. I don’t know where it went and have been so sad I lost it. When I was at Marcy and Chris’s before Christmas I noticed a little hedgehog on their table and it almost made me cry because it reminded me of the one I had as a kid. Well, Marcy bought one for me because she knew how much I loved it. Now, every time I see it I can pray for her family and Trav. Marcy has one as well so when she sees him she will pray for me. So here I am, traveling across Haiti with this little pinecone hedgehog. 

Only a few more hours on this bus. I am eager for the end of this adventure. I miss home and am ready to snuggle in my bed. We finally reach O Kay and I am overjoyed to see Batakol (my bike.) 

We load up. We have a huge suitcase, four backpacks, a duffel bag, a huge paper shopping bag totally loaded, four people and two motorcycles. This should be fun. It’s dark so I can’t even take a picture. You’ll just have to imagine it. Judelin and I talk the whole way and I look over at Marcy and Papa. Marcy is looking up at the stars. She looks so cute squished between Papa and that huge suitcase and backpack strapped behind her. 

The roads are terrible. It must have rained. We finally arrive at home at 9pm. I’m so tired I feel dizzy. I boil water on the stove and take a hot bucket shower. My very first one and I feel so spoiled. I was freezing after the night moto ride and this feels so good and toasty. I wrap up in a quilt after and am so happy. So happy to be warm. So happy to be home.

Grateful

Driving to O Kay with Heed and Judelin. 3:45 we wake up and wait for Judelin to come. I will be driving my bike and the luggage, and he will have Aunt Heed. Finally he arrives at 4:30 and we are on our way. 

We are so cold driving. Its so cold. Being up in the mountains before the sun comes up driving way too fast. I’m relieved when the bad roads come because it means we will be able to slow down and the wind won’t be as bad. I love this adventure. The potholes. The dust in my eyes. The cold air. The little towns. I wish there was a way I could describe every beautiful town we drive through. The deep red dirt. Coral and turquoise homes. Heed's huge smile on the back of Judelin's bike. She is so easy and always up for anything. Adventure. Loving people. Sitting. Talking. Playing. Laughing. She soaks up every piece of life. Below are pictures of Heed doing medical stuff in the jungle.

As we crest the top of a mountain the sun is just beginning to rise and fog rolls over a river in the valley. The green leaves and the fresh air filling my lungs. 

What a perfect trip. It is a three hour trip in all and we are about half way. I am so grateful for Papa's sweatshirt. It's a big purple Vikings sweatshirt. The only reason I know what that is is because of a friend back home who loves the Vikings. It's a football team. Right? Heed is bouncing on the back of that bike. 

What a rough ride. Cafe sounds so good right about now. Hot coffee from Mama, but on this trip we have no such luck. 

When we finally arrive in O Kay we are packed onto a little bus to go the rest of the way to Port. A 12 passenger van quickly becomes a 20 passenger van and I am grateful for it because when you are packed so tight together, your bodies can’t move and the roads don’t seem as curvy and insane. 

Five hours are passing so slowly but we make it. Jud, Heed and I get cleaned up and go to dinner and Papa and Thamar meet us. We laugh so hard over dinner. Judelin is always on his phone so I start mocking him and take everyone's phones and coke bottles and pretend like I have a million conversations going at once. We might actually be really funny, or we could just be slap happy. Not sure. I am really happy to see Thamar. I’ve missed her tons and I am glad she was able to come. Lori and Linda (family living in Jacmel) come to visit us. We laugh until we cry. We discuss politics and Haiti. We talk about family and memories. 

I love them so much and my heart is full. Heed leaves in the morning. I am so grateful for the family I have. I am so grateful for the time I get to spend with them. Lori and Heed and Beck. Every moment. Grateful. So Grateful.

Just As I Am. Just As You Are.

Laying in my bed with rats scurrying across the rafters above my head. A huge rat crosses the floor and then peeks out from behind the bathroom door to give me one last glare so I have something to remember while I sleep. Thanks. Please don’t crawl on me in the night. Beck and I share a twin bed. Not too bad. Not too uncomfortable. Cockroaches across the wall. Geckos. As soon as I close my eyes at night I’m out and I usually don’t wake up until morning. I have had such an amazing time with Beck but tomorrow she leaves. Tomorrow we drive to Port and then I will return Tuesday so Heed isn’t alone for too long. Late night saying goodbye to everyone. 4 am comes early. Really early. Beck and I have an awesome chill time in Port. I’m going to miss her. She’ll be back in March. I just know it.

I hope you are well. I hope that you feel like you are with me. Like you are walking through the dust and hiking up mountains. I hope you can feel the sweat dripping down your back as the sun beats down on your shoulders. Hear rebar dragging behind a motorcycle. Babies crying and children giggling. Yelling and singing. Smell the smoke and the dust, the food and the ocean. I want to feel like you are standing on this mountaintop with me, looking over the whole town while feeling the salty air hit your face. I want you to remember how useful you are no matter what you’re doing. That no matter where you are or what you’re doing, God IS using you. Through every single day and through every single smile. A simple good morning to your coworker. Laughing with the cashier in a store. I feel like there is so much pressure put on us to be the very best we can be and not in a good way. Like we have to live up to an unlivable standard. To help until we are exhausted and to give until we don’t even know why or what we’re giving. Remember that you already ARE enough. You already ARE good enough. Already helpful. Already amazing. Already brave. Already courageous. Already kind and compassionate. Already absolutely perfect in God's eyes. Once we realize that we already ARE enough, all we will be is better than we were yesterday. We are already unconditionally loved exactly as we are. Now THAT is freeing. That is freedom at its finest, to know that I am loved just as I am and I am already enough.

Little Smiles

Step-by-step to see the little kids below Papa's house. A skinny girl in a large dirty white tank top runs down the hill to jump in my arms. I scoop her little self up and she wraps her arms around my neck. I climb to the top of the hill. Jacques has his kids ministry right now and so Aunt Beck and I sit on the side with our little friends on our laps. This little girl hugged me so tight. She puts her little hand on my face and tilted down to face her. Her huge brown eyes are staring up at me. So big. So brown. So gentle. Her little tiny braids covering her head.

Her little smile. She smiles at me and I smile down at her. I wrap my arms around her and she snuggles her face in my neck. I can feel a lump in my throat. Keep it together. I am so overwhelmed in this moment. I am so overwhelmed with love. I don't know why this little girl just stole my heart but she did. All that she is. Jefflinda is her name. If I feel like this about a little beauty I just met, I can't imagine how I will feel about my own kids. Love is such an amazing thing. As it comes time to go I don't want to let her go. I've never been hugged this tight. I have never hugged anyone so tight. In moments like these, I don't think of the scabies or the lice or the strong smell of urine on her clothes. I just think of how much I don't want to let her go, of how there is no place in the world I would rather be. Heed (Aunt Heidi) is getting her hair braided and it's getting dark soon. We (Beck and I) go and pick her up on my bike. She is sitting getting her hair braided laughing and loving people. Wherever she goes she loves people and they love her. Being half Haitian comes in handy down here right now and the way she is learning Kreyol after only a couple days. Awesome.

Tonight we are going to Jacques house to have a little bible study. Heed is exhausted so she is going to stay home and get some rest. Beck, Mackenzy, Jacques and I sit on top of Jacques roof. Jacques set up a sweet little carpet for us to sit on. We sit and talk. We laugh. We argue. We discuss. We pray. We sing and worship. Beck talks about the constellations and Jacques asks beautiful questions about them. We share about what we love. How big and great God is. I lay on my back. I’m freezing and Jacques brings me a sheet to wrap up in. Staring at the stars. Singing. The smoke and the trees. The little homes littering the mountainside. Fires burning garbage. Breathe in Haiti. We can see almost the whole town from up here. Papa wanted us home by 10 because he didn’t want us to be in danger but now it’s 11:00 and now 11:30…good thing we are on Haitian time. It’s time to go, but nothing in me wants to. I feel so close with these three at this time. I just love them. I am so grateful. I am so grateful.

Pray for Healing

Walking into the hospital to pray over the little girl and boy again. Bringing some blankets tied with pretty red ribbons. As we walk through the first hallway the little girls mother is sitting outside holding a little tiny baby. I tell her I'm going to steal it away from her and so she hands it to me. So small. She tells me it's her cousins baby and that her cousin is sick. Beck and I walk into the room with the two kids first. We give them their new blankets and toothbrushes. The little girl is all smiles and the little boy still lays there without emotion but we can see a little glimmer in his eyes. Still holding this baby the girls mother leads Beck and I into the next room. Here lies the baby's mother on a fly infested hospital bed. The flesh is rotting off her left leg and you can see her whole shin bone. 

The smell is overwhelming. I walk over to her and ask her what happened. She said her leg was swollen and started itching. She itched it and itched it and puss and water started coming out of a little scab on her thigh. The infection had started from the inside out and now her leg is rotting. The doctors say they are going to cut her leg off. What can I do? What is God going to do? Has the infection spread through her entire body by now? Is she going to live? What will happen to this one month old baby in my arms? 

She can't produce any milk. Beck and I run downtown and pick enough food up for the two rooms of people and some baby formula. Her cousin is not going to have the time to take care of a newborn baby on top of trying to work in the market and take care of her daughter. This is something I'm going to have to pray about. Beck and I go back into the room and pay for her medicine. I am snuggling this baby and it's time to pray over this woman. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeless and like my faith is nonexistent. Beck looks at me and says to pray for healing. I can't. I don't believe God will heal her. I pray for it anyway even though my heart is hopeless. I lay my hand on her knee and can barely breathe through the smell of rotting flesh. It takes me back to right after the earthquake. The smell of all those bodies. This is a different smell though because she's still alive. She lays on this bed covered in flys as the skin rots off her living breathing body. We sing over her and she smiles. A faint little smile. When it comes time to go I give the baby back to her cousin and tell them I will be back Tuesday. It's Sunday now. Tuesday seems so far away. At least the baby had food and the mom can get her medicine. Lord help me. Please heal this woman even though I lack the faith or make it possible that we can find a doctor to do the job. Whoever is reading this. If you're feeling called to donate to this woman's surgery. Please do so. Please.

More Adventures in Jeremie

Beautiful morning. Perfect sleep. Manman has made Aunt Beck and I some tea from her herb garden. We eat corn meal with beans and peanut butter for breakfast. Things you would never think to be tasty suddenly become delicious in this country. Today is the day to buy my bike. Papa drives us to the Western Union to pick up cash flow and then our journey begins. An hour and a half he says. Sweet. That's nothing. 

The first half of the road is awesome. Paved and smooth. The roads get worse and I am sitting on the metal bars so the three of us can fit. After an hour we are ready for a stretch. My hips are going to dislocate haha. The rocks and ruts are bad. Aunt Beck and I laugh so hard at every bump. Every rut and pothole that jars us along the way. I love being uncomfortable. I think it's one of the funniest things. Good stories never start with, "so I was sitting in my recliner." We finally arrive in Bonmon and I am overjoyed. I'm ready to stroll into this moto shop and pick my bike out. Black. I've been picturing it for months now. How cool will I be on an all black bike? So cool. We walk through the door and there is a huge selection of Seven bikes. Three styles. This is a bike shop in Haiti. No black bikes. However, in the style I wanted, there stands a shiny gold bike with orange flames. 

Tacky? Yes. Totally me? Yes. How ridiculous of me to think I'd be so cool on an all black bike. Gold it is. Cheesy? Bring it on. 

Signing the papers. I'm so excited and so is Papa. Aunt Beck loves the gold and we laugh hard about it. I get three helmets with it along with some knee and elbow pads and a couple of neon extra large t-shirts. Sweet. Day made. Papa promptly straps my new belongings to all areas of his bike and we are ready to hit the road. A large group has now come to watch the blan drive away on her bike. Please don't crash. Please don't stall. Please don't hit any of these kids in their school uniforms. This road is terrible so it's really breaking me in. Good start! It feels smooth. So smooth. Rocks. Gravel. Dust. Potholes. Mud. I make it through it all without crashing! Aunt Beck drives with me on the good roads and we laugh about the buses passing, coating us in layers of dust and exhaust. Aunt Beck says, "You may as well wrap your lips around an exhaust pipe." The wind. My braids. Aunt Beck. Gold bike. The sun is bright and beautiful. This day has started out awesome and we are almost in Jeremie. As we reach the bottom of the mountain I stare up at the almost vertical hill. This will be the test. Can I actually make it up this hill? Papa tells me after the trip from Bonmon he thinks I can do it. So, with his encouragement I start. It's steep but I'm making it. Little by little!! I make it all the way home. Manman is surprised and relieved. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. I made it and I'm so happy.

Thank you Jesus for keeping us safe

Sitting in a circle with a group of beautiful children. Little hands. Perfect feet. Precious smiles. Beck holds a sweet little girl who quickly falls asleep in her arms. 

I have started to play oslè with them and they love laughing at me. Oslè is a game similar to jacks but played with goat knee caps. You have to flip the little knees to different sides while you throw another knee in the air and then catch it. It's hard to explain but the game is so much fun to play. Hours pass like minutes. I am so grateful to be here with them. Holding them and loving every stitch of their sweet selves. 

Some are wild and bad and smile at me with mischievous grins. Others are shy and barely want to look at me. Lotez sings us sweet songs. Luckily for me I grew up playing oslè with my brother Zeke and we are fairly decent. It makes me miss him and wish he was here to play with us. Beck tries her hand at oslè and the kids laugh and love that she's playing with them. It's hard to play oslè with a lap full of kids but we're managing. I started out with none but am now covered. Is today perfect so far? I would have to say it absolutely is. These sticky, dirty, sweaty and absolutely perfect moments. These moments where my heart is settled and exactly where it should be. Where two hours of holding children passes so quickly.

Walking into the Digicel store to get Beck some minutes for her phone. As soon as we walk in, a huge rock is thrown through the glass door. Glass shatters everywhere and the other people inside are immediately angry. 

A man walks up to me and gets in my face and says "aren't you afraid of me?" I get in his face and say, "Do I look like I'm afraid of you?" He backs off and walks out. One of the leaders calls me to see how I am and I tell him the story. He immediately shows up on a moto and says that the group in the ghetto wants to see me and meet Aunt Beck. Chairs are pulled up in front of a little shop with an ocean view. And we all chat and talk. He is very deep and talks about his love for his people and his country. It's a powerful conversation. He has so much on his mind. He said "I treat everyone as a leader. The poor and the rich because when you treat everyone as a somebody that's what they become." He is gentle but strong. His presence demands respect. I'm glad he got to meet Beck and I'm glad she got to meet him. Another adventure. Another awesome day.

Affirmation

I'm here in Carrefour with Thamar. We talk and she tells me how worried she was for me. We visit Poppyseed (Dad) at the hotel and from there we leave for a sweet little bakery. It is Thamar's favorite place so we get little things to celebrate. I am ready to go back to Jeremie. I am already missing my peaceful mountainside. It is wonderful to see Thamar though. She calls me her Solda (soldier) and has me help her with little things. I sit with Poppyseed in a lounge area at a hotel. He asks me how many leaders I met with the first night I spoke with them. I take a second to recount them in my mind. 12. There were 12. Poppyseed then reminds me of a dream I had had about a week before I came to Haiti. The dream had woken me up in the morning and I felt so strongly about it that I had immediately called my mom and dad to tell them my dream.

In my dream I had walked outside of Native's house where 12 large black wolves sat in a circle. The leader of the wolves came and spoke to me and she said, “If you want to run with us you’re going to have to leave your knife.” I said, “How do I know I can trust you? How do I know you will not kill me in the woods?” She said, “You’re just going to have to trust us.” I pondered it for a moment and went back in the house to leave my knife. It was a knife I had bought in Alaska this summer while visiting my Aunt Heidi. I returned to the outdoors and started running with them through the woods. As I ran with them I became a wolf. What is so incredible about this dream is this; When I was going to meet with the leaders I had my knife with me and Justa told me to leave it so they would know I trust them. I arrive at the meeting and there are 12 in the group. One of the main leaders is a woman and she is the one who came to speak with me as soon as I walked in. She told me I was just going to have to trust them. I ended up running with them and therefore became one of them. My dream came to pass. Powerful. After Poppyseed made the connection I realized it was God's way of telling me, God's way of reminding me that He is with me. He knows the past the present and the future. He knew what was going to happen. He gave me affirmation through the dream.